Losing weight was almost impossible for me in the last few years. This was compounded by negative experiences I’ve been through such as domestic abuse, stressful court processes, missing some of my family members, dealing with the consequences of my mental health breakdown in 2024; and developing new health conditions, as well as relapsing in panhypopituitarism. I tried many things and nothing seemed to help. Clearly, something was wrong with my metabolism or hormones, perhaps triggered by such a multilateral distress-overload. The hardest part of all was tackling prejudice, ignorance, and stigma. Yet, finally, I am seeing results. You can join me in this journey and story.
It’s Friday, August 22, 2025, at 08:17 PM BST, and I find myself once again wrestling with the echoes of an abusive past that lingers despite my efforts to move forward. The individual who once hurt me continues to exert control, now through court proceedings, demanding I “stop publishing anything about him” on social media or my blog. First of all, I have deactivated my Facebook, even though I haven’t shared a single detail that identifies him or his physique—my posts, crafted carefully, focus solely on my own journey, my feelings, and my healing process after escaping a toxic relationship.
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My perpetrator has spun wild accusations, suggesting I was recruited by someone from his past to infiltrate his life and labelling me “vexatious” in court. He’s self-representing in a theatrical manner, even attacking the court’s integrity, all while under an injunction. He continues to harass me by stalking my blog and social media profiles in which I have not blocked him because I forgot he existed there. He is creepy, to say the least, and truly reminds me of Ted Bundy in court. His arrogance, his devaluation of public office solicitors (only women have been representing me) is contemptuous. He called an honourable judge “sexist”, simply for being a woman. Yes, he truly fits the profile of a misogynist.
As I write this update on Tuesday, May 6, 2025, I’m struggling to find the courage to publish this blog post, overwhelmed by fear and self-doubt that have resurfaced after a series of messages from my perpetrator over the weekend. One message, in particular, has thrown me off balance: he mentioned his relative contacting me, thanked me for wishing him well, and pleaded for one last try at couple’s therapy, offering to pay for counselling and claiming it’s confidential, so I’d have “nothing to lose.” He denied that his actions—like ghosting me for two days due to a hangover—constituted abuse, accusing me of mislabelling them and implying I’ve made him seem like a physical abuser by not providing “details.” He ended by saying he’d never contact me again if I didn’t reply, but his words have left me spiralling, feeling like the abuse is my fault all over again.
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This message, along with others he sent over the weekend, has reignited the fear that’s kept me from sharing my story. I’m terrified that if I publish this post, he’ll see it and retaliate, especially since the Non-Molestation Order I applied for through the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) is still being fast-tracked and isn’t yet in effect. The NCDV has been working diligently since I contacted them on May 1, 2025, but the process has taken longer than expected, leaving me vulnerable to his ongoing harassment. His past threats—like saying “Big mistake” on April 13 when I set boundaries—make me worry he’ll escalate, perhaps by showing up or intensifying his smear campaign, as he did with the local community. I’m scared he’ll twist my words, claiming I’ve misrepresented him, and that others will believe his gaslighting over my truth. As someone with health problems, I’ve already battled self-doubt, and his accusations exploit that vulnerability, making me fear I’ll be seen as “deluded” or “overdramatic,” labels he’s used to undermine me.
The emotional toll has been immense—my panic attacks have worsened, and my mental health team increased my Diazepam prescription this week because my emotions have become so intense, teetering on the edge of stupor and catatonia. I’m also afraid of his manipulative pull; his suggestion of therapy tugs at the part of me that once hoped he could change, despite his emotional abuse in our past sessions with Stephanie. But I’m determined to publish today, knowing that the support of PDAS, JWA, and the First Response team, along with the Clare’s Law disclosure that validated my experience, gives me the strength to speak out and help others break free.
The traumas will take time to heal. I’m working on rebuilding my self-esteem, reminding myself that my schizophrenia and depression don’t make me “disgusting”—they’re part of my journey, and I’m stronger for surviving them. I’m reclaiming my love for theology, finding solace in the texts that once brought me joy, refusing to let his threats taint that part of me. I’m also channelling my experiences into something positive: I’m reviving my plan to turn my website into a platform for emotional support for women, sharing resources, coping strategies, and a safe space for others to heal, just as I am.
If you’re reading this and recognise these signs in your own relationship—the withdrawal, the gaslighting, the threats—please know you’re not alone. Reach out to support services like Women’s Aidor your local First Response Team. You deserve to feel safe, to be loved without fear, to break free from the possession of abuse. I’m still healing, but I’m free now, and that freedom is worth every tear I’ve shed. I hope my story gives you the courage to find yours.
It’s Friday, May 2, 2025, and I’m writing this update with a renewed sense of clarity and strength, despite the ongoing challenges I’ve faced since I last shared my story. The past few days have been a whirlwind—marked by continued harassment, a pivotal disclosure from the police, and a rapid legal intervention that has finally given me the protection I desperately needed. I’m also reflecting on how therapy, which I’d hoped would help us heal, became another platform for his abuse, further solidifying my decision to leave. If my journey can inspire even one woman to seek the support she deserves, then sharing this update is worth every word.
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After I ended the relationship on April 30, 2025, following his cruel behaviour in our couple’s therapy chat group, I thought I’d taken the necessary steps to protect myself—blocking him on WhatsApp, social media, and email. But the harassment didn’t stop. His threats continued, pushing me into a spiral of panic attacks so severe that I experienced stupor and catatonia, leading my doctor to prescribe Diazepam to help me cope. I felt trapped, my mental health deteriorating under the weight of his relentless intimidation. That’s when the Plymouth Domestic Abuse Service (PDAS) stepped in, referring me to apply for an emergency injunction to stop him from contacting or harming me. They connected me with the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV), a free service that specializes in fast-tracking injunctions for survivors like me.
The NCDV was a lifeline. On the evening of May 1, 2025, at 10:25 PM BST, I called their 24/7 helpline (0800 970 2070), my hands trembling as I explained the threats, the harassment, and the toll it was taking on my health. They guided me through the application for a Non-Molestation Order, a legal protection under the Family Law Act 1996 that would prohibit him from contacting or harassing me. The process was swift—despite it being after court hours, they prepared my application that night, ensuring it would be reviewed by a judge first thing the next morning, May 2, 2025. True to their reputation, the NCDV secured the order by midday today. It was served to him this afternoon, meaning it’s now in effect, and any breach—any attempt to contact or threaten me—is a criminal offense. The speed and compassion of the NCDV gave me a sense of safety I hadn’t felt in months, a concrete step toward reclaiming my peace.
Another turning point came yesterday, May 1, 2025, when I met with the Devon & Cornwall Police for an update. They made a Clare’s Law disclosure, also known as the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, which allows individuals to request information about a partner’s history of abuse. I can’t share the specifics of his records due to legal restrictions, but I can say this: the disclosure confirmed everything I’d been perceiving about his behaviour. It liberated me from the self-doubt that had plagued me for months. He’d called me “overdramatic,” “hostile,” even a “deluded psychotic nutcase” in our therapy chat, gaslighting me into questioning my reality, especially as someone with schizophrenia. But the Clare’s Law disclosure validated my experience—it showed me I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t imagining things, and most painfully, I wasn’t the first victim. Knowing his abusive behavior was part of a pattern, not a personal failing on my part, gave me the clarity to fully let go of any lingering guilt or hope for change. I hope I’m the last victim, but more importantly, I urge any woman who suspects her partner is abusive to request a Clare’s Law disclosure. It could be the validation you need to break free, just as it was for me.
Therapy, which I’d hoped would be a path to healing, ultimately failed because of his constant emotional abuse. We started couple’s therapy with a therapist named Stephanie, hoping to address his coercive behaviors—like the 5/2 cycle of ghosting, his threats, and gaslighting—but it became another arena for him to hurt me. On April 29, 2025, in our therapy chat group, he attacked my vulnerabilities, calling me “disgusting” for showering only 2-3 times a week during the winter due to my depression, a symptom of my schizophrenia, and labelling me a “deluded psychotic nutcase.” That was the moment I knew therapy couldn’t work—not because I didn’t try, but because he refused to change. His abuse in a space meant for healing confirmed what Jewish Women’s Aid (JWA) had warned me about: he was unlikely to change, and staying engaged with him, even in therapy, was unsafe. I ended the sessions that day, choosing to focus on my own healing instead.
The Clare’s Law disclosure and the Non-Molestation Order have given me a foundation to rebuild. The traumas are still there—the fear, the shame, the violation of sacred spaces like our shared love for Jewish Studies—but I’m no longer questioning my reality. I’m working with the First Response team in Plymouth, who’ve been a lifeline during this ordeal, and JWA, who continue to offer culturally sensitive support. I’m also exploring resources like the Freedom Programme online, which helps survivors understand abusive behaviors and their impact. My journey isn’t over, but with the NCDV’s swift action, the police’s validation through Clare’s Law, and my decision to walk away from a failed therapy attempt, I’m finally on a path to healing. To anyone reading this: you deserve safety, validation, and peace—don’t wait to seek the support that can help you find it.
I’ve made the hardest yet most necessary decision of my life: I’ve left my partner for good. This isn’t the first time I’ve faced emotional abuse, but I never imagined I’d find myself in this position again, grappling with the pain of a relationship that promised love but delivered trauma. As someone with schizophrenia and a background in forensic psychology—studies I couldn’t complete due to my illness—I thought I’d be able to spot the signs of abuse early. But it took me months, the support of professionals, and a lot of self-reflection to identify, process, and finally escape the cycle of coercive control that defined my relationship. I’m writing this post to share my story, the traumas I now carry, and the strength I’ve found in leaving—hoping it might help other women recognise the signs and break free, just as I have.
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Our relationship began with hope and shared interests, a bright spark that ignited the flame of connection between us. We connected deeply over theology, spending countless hours immersed in fascinating discussions about topics like politics, kabbalah, and history; exploring the rich tapestry of our cultural heritage. I envisioned dreams of a happy future together, one where we’d grow, support each other, and build a life rooted in mutual respect and understanding. I became very illusioned. We were not just partners; we were companions on an intellectual journey, sharing our hearts and minds.
However, as time passed, those idyllic dreams were overshadowed by a pattern of behaviour that I now recognise as coercive control—a term I learned through the invaluable support of Jewish Women’s Aid (JWA) and the dedicated First Response team in Plymouth, where I live. This gradual realisation was heart-wrenching, as I began to understand that what I perceived as normal had morphed into something sinister. The Devon & Cornwall Police have also been increasingly concerned, actively advising me to extricate myself early from this situation, as his behaviour exhibited early signs of this insidious form of abuse that can entrap individuals in a cycle of manipulation and fear. The journey towards awareness has been painful but necessary, shedding light on the true nature of our interactions and empowering me to reclaim my sense of self.
The first red flag was his pattern of withdrawing contact—what I later called the “5/2 cycle.” Every week, he’d started to disappear for two nights, with zero communication, only to return for five nights of warmth and affection. Those two nights of silence, like one instance earlier this month, left me anxious and hurt, wondering what I’d done wrong; my mind racing with self-doubt, but when he’d return with kind words, it was like a wave of relief. I didn’t realise then that this push-pull dynamic was a control tactic, designed to keep me on edge, craving his affection while fearing his withdrawal. JWA later explained that this intermittent reinforcement is a hallmark of coercive control, creating an emotional dependency that’s hard to break.
His behaviour escalated beyond withdrawal, which some call “ghosting”. He began gaslighting me, making me question my reality. In one WhatsApp rant, he called me “overdramatic” and “hostile”, blaming me for his actions and claiming I’d “misled” him, even though I’d only tried to communicate my needs. I’d always been clear and literal, especially because I knew he struggled with emotional processing, but he turned my openness against me. When I blocked him on WhatsApp to protect myself temporarily, he moved to Xbox, starting with love-bombing messages—“I miss you”—before quickly shifting to demands and threats. He insisted I return his belongings, accusing me of “holding them hostage,” and warned me not to “escalate this and cause unnecessary trouble.” The most chilling moment came when I told him I’d block him on Xbox due to his violation of my boundaries—his immediate reply was “Big mistake,” a direct threat that left me terrified.
The threats didn’t stop there. Early in our relationship, he warned me never to start a legal battle with him, claiming I’d lose, and threatened to “air all kinds of private things” if I mentioned our conversations about course-related books to our Rabbi. Those conversations were sacred to me—a space where I found solace in my faith and intellectual curiosity—but he turned them into a weapon, threatening to shame and control me. I felt violated, as if a part of my identity had been invaded. I later learned from JWA that this, too, was coercive control: using my vulnerabilities to intimidate and silence me.
A more public form of his abuse came through a smear campaign. Just 10-15 minutes after his “Big mistake” threat, he posted a video on Facebook inferring I was too clingy. The irony was painful—I’d been the one asking for space, setting boundaries, and blocking him to protect myself, yet he twisted the narrative to humiliate me. That post felt like a deliberate attempt to discredit me to others and make me the problem, when I was the one suffering from his actions. I blocked him on Facebook immediately, but the damage was done—I was left fearing what else he might say, how he might further distort my reality to the world.
It took me a while to identify and process this abuse. I was in denial, clinging to the hope that he could change, especially because I understood his struggles—his neurodivergence, his issues with alcohol, his difficult family dynamics. I don’t give up on people easily, and I genuinely loved him. I thought I could help him stop drinking, stop the abusive behaviors, and build the future I’d dreamed of. We even started couple’s therapy, hoping to heal together, but that hope was shattered when he became abusive in our therapy chat group. He called me “disgusting” for showering only 2-3 times per week during the winter—a negative symptom of my depression linked to schizophrenia—and labelled me a “deluded psychotic nutcase.” Those words cut deep, attacking my mental health in a space meant for healing. It was the final straw, confirming what everyone had warned me about: he was unlikely to change, and his behaviour was only getting worse.
The traumas he’s left me with are heavy. I feel like love has become a demonic possession—a metaphor I’ve used to describe the overwhelming, consuming nature of our relationship. The 5/2 cycle, the gaslighting, the threats—they created a constant state of fear and anxiety, as if I was under a spell I couldn’t break. I’d wake up wondering if he’d disappear again, or if he’d escalate his threats, maybe even show up unannounced. His words in therapy, attacking my schizophrenia, have left me with a deep sense of shame and self-doubt, even though I know my symptoms aren’t my fault. I feel violated, not just emotionally but intellectually—our shared passion for theology, once a source of joy, now feels tainted by his threats to expose private details, and by his indirect harassment through common groups. I’m grieving the loss of the future I’d envisioned, and I’m angry at myself for not seeing the signs sooner, despite my background in forensic psychology.
I met with the Devon & Cornwall Police, and they made the Clare’s Law disclosure. It confirmed that what I already knew was true. Whilst I am not allowed to express the details of his records, I can advise that all women who suspect their partners are abusive, make such a request. Why? Because it helped me to see that what I was perceiving was correct, that I am not crazy, and that I am not the first victim. However, I hope I am the last.
I never imagined I’d be in this position again. Coercive control is insidious—it creeps in slowly, disguised as love, until you’re too entangled to see clearly. It took me months to recognise the patterns, to stop making excuses for him, to stop blaming myself. I was in denial, hoping my love and understanding could change him, but I’ve learned a painful lesson: I can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to change, and I can’t sacrifice my safety for hope.
Leaving him for good was my reclaiming of power. I’ve blocked him everywhere, ensuring he can’t contact me further. I’ve ended couple’s therapy—his abuse in that space made it clear it wasn’t safe—and I’m focusing on individual healing with the support of JWA, my mental health team, and the First Response team. I’m proud of myself for remaining constructive, for never stooping to his level with derogatory terms, for holding onto my empathy even as he hurt me. I loved him, but he used me, admitting he was only with me because I was good for his mental and physical health. That betrayal stings, but it also clarifies what I deserve: a love built on trust, respect, and safety.
Today it has been less than a year since I launched project BETSHY. It will be a year old in December. Against all obstacles, I have consistently worked on www.betshy.com arduously in order to grow. And it has been successful. Milestones are being met. I am excited when I debug prospectively. I feel proud of myself.
It is that time of the year. I feel I should reflect on what I have been going through in 2024 now that it is almost ending. I can see the light in the darkness. Its soft sparkle illuminates my sorrow and turns it into gold. Alchemy of the soul. This journey has been difficult.
Yes, 2024 was a difficult year for me. A lot of intense negative events took place, and I became mentally unwell at some point, struggling to cope with the overwhelming challenges that life threw my way. However, despite not being at a 100% in terms of my health, I always found solace in working on my blog, which served as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions during trying times.
The act of writing provided me with a sense of purpose and normalcy, allowing me to channel my inner turmoil into something creative and constructive. This year, I have built the foundations of what will become my new goals, laying the groundwork for a brighter future that I am eager to embrace, filled with renewed passion and a clearer vision for my life and work.
I must admit, it is an honour to be read from so many different countries, and cultures. I want to say thank you to everyone who has read any my posts. I hope you have found it informative, and I welcome new readers. Over a month ago I reached 100K visits to the website. 100K clicks in 28 days means a lot to me, and I am so glad people are reading the madness I write about.
As a sidenote, for those who wonder about my health, and care about me; only be concerned if this page ever stops existing. For as long as I am alive, this website will be kept alive. I am investing my life on it after seeing myself lose many digital assets as a result of discontinued accounts. My assets will be on this website from now on, as the first point of contact. Stay tuned!
Every now and then I choose to answer WordPress’ daily prompt. Today I will divide the answer into several sections because I feel many things at once. I feel that so much is happening that I must explain how I feel about each of these variables. I believe today’s question can be quite therapeutic to answer, so I encourage my readers to also answer it.
I generally feel so so, as I am currently going through very difficult circumstances. I have been harassed by my neighbour for years and the police seems to protect the criminal, so I am a bit scared of reality as it is in my life. All this has caused me mental unwellness, as well as physical ailments. Furthermore, I also am affected by the wider environment, such as politics, etc. It’s been an isolating and distressing experience, making it hard for me to trust others and feel safe in my own home. The ongoing stress has taken a toll on my well-being, leading to sleepless nights and a constant feeling of unease. As I navigate through these challenges, I find it difficult to find solace and relief from the weight of the situation. The impact of external factors, like political turmoil and social unrest, has only added to the complexity of my daily struggles, creating a sense of overwhelming uncertainty about the future.
How I feel About Politics
When it comes to politics, I feel very stressed out as the war between Western countries and Russia seems to be escalating at great speed. The UK government continues to arm and fund Ukraine, whilst simultaneously provoking Russia. I feel these actions are reckless and place our country at great risk. The increasing tension in the international arena has made me concerned about the potential consequences for global stability. The propaganda and diplomatic confrontations only seem to exacerbate the situation, leading to a growing sense of unease about the future. It’s troubling to witness the deteriorating relations between major powers, and I can’t help but worry about the impact on everyday citizens. The uncertainties surrounding the geopolitical landscape have undoubtedly added a heavy burden of anxiety to my daily life.
