As I write this update on Tuesday, May 6, 2025, I’m struggling to find the courage to publish this blog post, overwhelmed by fear and self-doubt that have resurfaced after a series of messages from my perpetrator over the weekend. One message, in particular, has thrown me off balance: he mentioned his relative contacting me, thanked me for wishing him well, and pleaded for one last try at couple’s therapy, offering to pay for counselling and claiming it’s confidential, so I’d have “nothing to lose.” He denied that his actions—like ghosting me for two days due to a hangover—constituted abuse, accusing me of mislabelling them and implying I’ve made him seem like a physical abuser by not providing “details.” He ended by saying he’d never contact me again if I didn’t reply, but his words have left me spiralling, feeling like the abuse is my fault all over again.
This message, along with others he sent over the weekend, has reignited the fear that’s kept me from sharing my story. I’m terrified that if I publish this post, he’ll see it and retaliate, especially since the Non-Molestation Order I applied for through the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) is still being fast-tracked and isn’t yet in effect. The NCDV has been working diligently since I contacted them on May 1, 2025, but the process has taken longer than expected, leaving me vulnerable to his ongoing harassment. His past threats—like saying “Big mistake” on April 13 when I set boundaries—make me worry he’ll escalate, perhaps by showing up or intensifying his smear campaign, as he did with the local community. I’m scared he’ll twist my words, claiming I’ve misrepresented him, and that others will believe his gaslighting over my truth. As someone with health problems, I’ve already battled self-doubt, and his accusations exploit that vulnerability, making me fear I’ll be seen as “deluded” or “overdramatic,” labels he’s used to undermine me.
The emotional toll has been immense—my panic attacks have worsened, and my mental health team increased my Diazepam prescription this week because my emotions have become so intense, teetering on the edge of stupor and catatonia. I’m also afraid of his manipulative pull; his suggestion of therapy tugs at the part of me that once hoped he could change, despite his emotional abuse in our past sessions with Stephanie. But I’m determined to publish today, knowing that the support of PDAS, JWA, and the First Response team, along with the Clare’s Law disclosure that validated my experience, gives me the strength to speak out and help others break free.
The traumas will take time to heal. I’m working on rebuilding my self-esteem, reminding myself that my schizophrenia and depression don’t make me “disgusting”—they’re part of my journey, and I’m stronger for surviving them. I’m reclaiming my love for theology, finding solace in the texts that once brought me joy, refusing to let his threats taint that part of me. I’m also channelling my experiences into something positive: I’m reviving my plan to turn my website into a platform for emotional support for women, sharing resources, coping strategies, and a safe space for others to heal, just as I am.
If you’re reading this and recognise these signs in your own relationship—the withdrawal, the gaslighting, the threats—please know you’re not alone. Reach out to support services like Women’s Aid or your local First Response Team. You deserve to feel safe, to be loved without fear, to break free from the possession of abuse. I’m still healing, but I’m free now, and that freedom is worth every tear I’ve shed. I hope my story gives you the courage to find yours.
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