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Tag: Domestic Abuse
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Freedom of Expression: My Journey from Abuse to Purpose
It’s Friday, August 22, 2025, at 08:17 PM BST, and I find myself once again wrestling with the echoes of an abusive past that lingers despite my efforts to move forward. The individual who once hurt me continues to exert control, now through court proceedings, demanding I “stop publishing anything about him” on social media or my blog. First of all, I have deactivated my Facebook, even though I haven’t shared a single detail that identifies him or his physique—my posts, crafted carefully, focus solely on my own journey, my feelings, and my healing process after escaping a toxic relationship.
AdvertisementsMy perpetrator has spun wild accusations, suggesting I was recruited by someone from his past to infiltrate his life and labelling me “vexatious” in court. He’s self-representing in a theatrical manner, even attacking the court’s integrity, all while under an injunction. He continues to harass me by stalking my blog and social media profiles in which I have not blocked him because I forgot he existed there. He is creepy, to say the least, and truly reminds me of Ted Bundy in court. His arrogance, his devaluation of public office solicitors (only women have been representing me) is contemptuous. He called an honourable judge “sexist”, simply for being a woman. Yes, he truly fits the profile of a misogynist.
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When Love Turns to Chaos: Surviving a Partner’s Addiction and Emotional Games
I’m staring at my phone again, waiting for a reply that hasn’t come. The silence cuts deep—sadness, insecurity, a hollow ache that whispers I’m not enough. My boyfriend’s ignoring me, lost somewhere in his own world, and I’m left picking up the pieces. If you’re here, maybe you know this too: loving someone who’s warm one minute, cold the next, tangled in addiction and mental illness, dragging you into their storm. I’m writing this because I’ve lived it—and I want you to feel seen. You’re not alone in this mess.
AdvertisementsFor me, it’s a split reality. Five days a week, he’s lovely. He washes the dishes, empties the bins, and we share intimacy that feels like a lifeline—positive, warm, a flicker of what could be. It’s enough to keep me holding on. Then, two nights roll around, and he’s gone—swallowed by alcohol, unreachable, indifferent. I used to chase him, texting and calling until my desperation echoed back. Now, I just wait, but the hurt doesn’t fade.
His drinking isn’t just a habit—it’s a wedge splitting us apart. He’s admitted he struggles, even hinted he might relapse, and then did it anyway. Those two nights, he’s not just absent; he’s checked out. I’ve tried talking, crying, reasoning—nothing breaks through. Addiction’s a monster, and I get that. But when it’s tangled with mental illness, it’s a double blow. He’s not just distant; he’s erratic. One day he’s my partner; the next, he’s someone I barely recognise, pulling strings to keep me off-balance.
The provocations sting most. He’ll poke at me—until I crack. Then, when I’m upset, he turns it around: “You’re crazy,” he says. He’s called me a “psycho” more than once. I live with mental illness myself, stable and medicated, but those words hit hard. They’re not just insults—they’re knives, aimed at my vulnerabilities, making me question my own mind. I feel gaslit, like I’m the one losing it when he’s the one spinning out.
Lately, it’s gotten uglier—threats that linger like shadows. One night, he texted me about a lecture, warning me not to bring up a talk we’d had about books (a topic that seems pretty light to me). “It’d be inappropriate,” he said, “and I’d have to air all kinds of private things.” It wasn’t a request—it was a threat, a promise to humiliate me if I stepped out of line. Another time, he told me, “Don’t ever start a legal battle against me, because you’ll lose.” A a cold, intimidating jab. Was it the alcohol talking, loosening his filter? Or something darker, a need to control me? I don’t know, but it’s chilling. Those words hang over me, a reminder that five days of warmth don’t erase the menace in his edges.
I realise that those threats aren’t just words—they’re a shift. They’re him saying, “Stay quiet, or I’ll make you regret it.” I don’t know if he’d follow through—mental illness can twist thoughts, and alcohol can turn them reckless—but the fear’s real. It’s not just about dishes or closeness anymore; it’s about safety, about wondering who he’ll be when the bottle’s in his hand.
Why do I stay? I love him. Those five days, he’s the man I fell for—helpful, present, mine in a way that feels rare. But the two nights, the provocations, the threats—they’re eating me alive. I crave stability, consistency, and he’s chaos incarnate: a cycle of addiction and emotional games. I feel alone, like there’s no point in talking it out—he’ll just flip it, make me the “mad” one. I’m suffering, and he knows it, banking on my silence to keep me tethered.
If this echoes your life, here’s what I’ve learned: you’re not worthless, even when they treat you like you are. Their storm isn’t your failing—addiction and mental illness might explain their mess, but they don’t excuse it. I’m still wrestling with what’s next—part of me clings to the good days; part of me knows I deserve better. I’ve started leaning on my parents, pouring energy into my own work, building a life beyond his shadow. I’ve stopped chasing him, and that’s a quiet strength I didn’t know I had.
Here’s what I’d tell you, from one woman to another. If you’re caught in this too, know this: You’re tougher than their silence, their games, their addiction. We’re in this together, even if it’s just through these words. Let’s keep pushing for the steadiness we deserve.
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Human Rights Fascism for Victims of Domestic Abuse in Canada
Victims are being thrown into jail for disclosing their experiences of domestic abuse.
I recently had a deep conversation with a dear friend from Canada, whose name I will keep confidential. We were talking about narcissistic relationships and narcissistic abuse. I explained to her the status of domestic abuse in the UK, where previous to 2021 before the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 was passed, most domestic abusers got away with their crimes. I was curious to understand what the situation in Canada is about domestic abuse. The Canadian Women Foundation (2021) posits that every six days, a woman is killed in Canada as a result of domestic violence.
I was horrified to find out that the government is currently arresting both perpetrators and victims of domestic abuse simultaneously. What this means is that when a victim of domestic abuse calls the police for help in Canada, the victim is also placed in jail and if they have children, they are automatically placed in foster care. I was shocked, I could not believe the level of fascism that is taking place in Canada. My first thought was ‘how is the Canadian government getting away with these human rights violations’? As a founding member of the United Nations charter, Canada has international commitments to maintain peace and security.
My friend disclosed to me that a few years ago she had been arrested and placed in jail for three days for calling the police about domestic abuse and to report her perpetrator. It seemed, the police could not make up their minds about how to tackle domestic abuse, so they decided to give equal punishment to both the victim and the perpetrator. This is unacceptable, since there exist international conventions which place a duty on the Canadian government to protect victims. However, what they are doing instead is victimising those who have been abused.
I decided to conduct a little research about it, and found that many women are going through this in Canada, not just my friend. For instance, the Ending Violence Association of British Columbia (EVA BC; 2022a) deals with cases of domestic abuse and coordinates interventions to help victims. They have a Community Coordination for Women’s Safety (CCWS) program which formulates and implements strategies to support victims of domestic abuse (EVA BC; 2022b). The CCWS (2010) wrote a report which corroborated my friend’s story. The report (p. 2) states:
‘In recent years, CCWS and EVA BC have received numerous reports from communities of cases involving the arrest of both parties in relationship violence situations. These communities have contacted us to express their concern. They report that women are being arrested even when there is evidence of a history of violence by their male partners’.
Furthermore, they explain the impact that such situation has, such as:
- Less prosecution for these cases.
- More liability for police services.
- Empowerment of the perpetrator to continue the abuse.
- Victimisation of victims.
- Increased potential for homicide.
- Decreased likelihood that victims will disclose or seek help.
- Thwarted access to justice for victims.
- Thwarted attempts to access support for victims.
Similarly, the Woman Abuse Council of Toronto (2005) published a report where they highlight the problematic situation of victims of domestic abuse being charged with domestic violence whilst living with abusive men. They made several recommendations which included:
- To take into consideration that women’s use of force is not the same as men’s (often, violence arising from women was self-defence).
- That when it comes to arrests, the dominant aggressor should be identified in a relationship where domestic abuse has taken place.
- That there need to be mechanisms in place to ensure that victims are able to access support services and victim services, which are thwarted by criminalising the victim.
- That more legal aid should be available to women.
Finally, and more recently Grace (2019) reported around the same problematic, persistent, and pervasive issues related to the inappropriate arrests of women in domestic abuse cases. The article explains that whilst the police has a duty to identify the dominant aggressor in a relationship, women continue to be inappropriately arrested in situations of intimate partner violence. She states: ‘Women experience these failures by police as betrayal. Some even feel the police become complicit to their on-going abuse. As a result, women who have been inappropriately charged in situations of intimate partner violence say they would be unwilling to turn to the police for protection in the future, even if they are again victims of violence’. Furthermore, she provides 18 case studies and accounts of this situation.
As it can be seen in this post, the situation of domestic abuse in Canada is a mess. My friend was one of those people who were inappropriately arrested, and who now feels that no one can protect her from domestic violence, because the police themselves are being abusive of their power. This type of human rights violation should not happen in theory, but in practice, as it has been demonstrated, injustice is an everyday experience for many women in Canada. This situation has been going on for a long time, and despite recommendations and updates to policies, it continues to affect victims and to silence their voices through state-sponsored fascism.
References
Canadian Women Foundation (2021) ‘The facts about gender-based violence’, 29 October [Online]. Available at https://canadianwomen.org/the-facts/gender-based-violence/ (accessed 21 April 2022).
Community Coordination for Women’s Safety (2010) ‘Women Being Arrested’, Ending Violence Association of British Columbia, June [Online]. Available at http://endingviolence.org/files/uploads/eing_Arrested_Backgrounder_Revised_June_2010_0.pdf (accessed 21 April 2022).
Ending Violence Association of British Columbia (2022) ‘About us’ [Online]. Available at https://endingviolence.org/about-us/ (accessed 21 April 2022).
Ending Violence Association of British Columbia (2022) ‘Community Coordination for Women’s Safety (CCWS)’ [Online]. Available at https://endingviolence.org/prevention-programs/ccws-program (accessed 21 April 2022).
Grace, A. (2019) ‘“They Just Don’t Care”: Women Charged with Domestic Violence in Ottawa’, Manitoba Law Journal 153 [Online]. Available at https://www.canlii.org/en/commentary/doc/2019CanLIIDocs2790 (accessed 21 April 2022).
Woman Abuse Council of Toronto (2005) ‘Women Charged with Domestic Violence in Toronto: The Unintended Consequences of Mandatory Charge Policies’, March [Online]. Available at http://www.oaith.ca/assets/files/Publications/womenchargedfinal.pdf (accessed 21 April 2022).
Photo by NEOSiAM 2021: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-s-hands-covered-with-blood-673862/ -
The Economic Cost of Domestic Abuse in the UK
Not preventing domestic abuse takes a huge toll on the system’s economy. It is very expensive to allow these negative events to happen. A lot of taxpayer money is used in reacting to domestic abuse, and reactive responses are more costly than preventive approaches.
AdvertisementsAccording to the GOV.UK (2019, p. 6) the total cost for domestic abuse was £66,192m, and on average, it costs £34,015 to react to these incidents per victim, and up to £2.2m in cases of domestic homicide. Of course, these are estimates which do not include the dark figure of crime (i.e. the cases which have not been reported). Moreover, these costs include the police, the criminal justice system, the civil legal system, and the multi-agency risk assessment conferences. Furthermore, there are also costs associated with the services offered to victims after an adverse event happens, such as health and victim services. These yearly figures were for the year ending in 2017 (there does not currently seem to exist any more recent report).
Police Service Provision
The police spend approximately £1,257 million per year responding to domestic abuse. The fees include the investigation, incident response, arrests, the collection of evidence, and the presenting of the case to the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS). All this amounts to approximately £645 per person.
Criminal Justice System
It costs approximately £336 million per year to cover criminal justice fees related to the CPS which include the services of taking a case to court, holding hearings, legal aid and perpetrator defence. This amounts to an average of £170 per case. The criminal courts are there to take cases involving grievous bodily harm and murder.
Civil Legal System
This system of courts deals with aspects of domestic abuse related to injunctions (e.g. restraining or non-molestation orders), divorce, child custody, and child protection. The costs amount to a total of £140 million per year, equalling to an average of £70 per case.
Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conferences
These meetings involve governmental representatives and third-sector organisations, where information and support is provided to individuals assessed as high risk of being abused. It may also involve members of the police, child protection agencies, health organisations, and housing organisations. These conferences cost around £11 million per year, which amounts to approximately £5 per case.
Health Services
These fees cover the treatments for injuries caused by domestic abuse, ambulances, and also mental health services treating emotional and psychological trauma. In total, it costs £2,333 million per year, which amounts to £1200 per case.
Victim Services
Victim support services involve specialists to support the abused individual, and also wider services such as housing, group services, and the support from the Department of Work and Pensions. It also covers third sector organisations and government-funded agencies. The total is £724 million per year, amounting to £370 per case.
References
GOV.UK (2019) ‘The economic and social costs of domestic abuse’, Home Office, 21 January [Online]. Available at https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-economic-and-social-costs-of-domestic-abuse (accessed 26 February 2022).
Photo by Anete Lusina: https://www.pexels.com/photo/unrecognizable-man-covering-mouth-of-woman-5723186/
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The Legal Framework of Domestic Abuse in the UK
This article will explore the current key legislation related to domestic abuse, which involves the Domestic Abuse 2021, The Female Genital Mutilation Act 2003, and Part 10 of the Anti-Social Behaviour, Crime and Policing Act 2014, which speaks of forced marriage. Of course, this article should also focus on the Human Rights Act 1998, and Equality Act 2010 because domestic abuse is often gender-based violence, and the international community is against it; however, that is beyond the scope of this article, although the topic has already been raised in this blog (please read Women Who Are Mad, 2021).
As explained before in this blog (Betshy, 2021), the Domestic Abuse Act 2021– in its statutory definition– only protects certain individuals in certain personal situations, and has limitations in including ‘friendships’ as a form of personal relationship. It includes in its scope physical violence, emotional abuse, and coercive control; however, it fully ignores the many forms of abuse that take place in day to day life in all sorts of settings, including employment, education, health and friendship settings. In other words, it does not fully cover what is known as ‘narcissistic abuse’, and what is known as ‘violence against women’. It is the start of a long process of reform to protect victims. It is a positive step nevertheless as it criminalises actions that until 2021 were socially acceptable such as emotional abuse. It protects victims who have engaged in coitus with a perpetrator, or relatives (including children) of perpetrators from domestic abuse. It commands protective measures, and procedural mechanisms for reacting to domestic abuse in support of the victim. It also ratifies Clare’s law, supports legal aid applications; and includes acts committed outside of the UK within the scope, and the establishment of injunctions. It also commands court-ordered treatments for the offender, and places duties upon the Secretary of State to publish a domestic abuse strategy. Finally, it involves the criminal courts.
The Female Genital Mutilation Act 2003 makes it a crime to perform, or assist FGM whether in the UK or abroad. It also places a duty on parents and guardians to protect their children from this form of abuse, and failing to abide is classed as an offence. It gives the power to the court to issue FGM protection orders, and places an obligation on regulated professionals to report FGM whenever they encounter it. Furthermore, the Anti-Social Behaviour, Crime and Policing Act 2014, specifically part 10, makes forced marriage an offence in England. It covers both physical and psychological force, oversees procedures, and it stresses that only people with mental capacity can consent to marriage. It also gives power to the courts to issue a Forced Marriage Protection Orders, and the right to confidentiality for victims. However, Scott (2021) reported that children as young as seven years old were being given into marriage through religious procedures in the UK. This is problematic because the Equality Act 2010 protects religion, something that Summers (2021) described as a ‘legal loophole’.
The Role of Statutory Agencies & Government Departments
When domestic abuse happens, statutory and government services are obliged to respond. Every agency and department has a role which is unique and tailored sometimes to specific populations, although many of these departments and agencies interact and collaborate. For instance, schools and colleges play a role in spotting domestic abuse through their safeguarding systems. They are under the obligation to report domestic abuse to the local authorities when this is identified. Children’ Social Care services are often involved in cases of domestic abuse, and they have a responsibility to recognise the abuse and to support children and young people. They also conduct risk assessments and make sure that children are safe. Moreover, the Adult Social Care services are also involved, as many vulnerable adults get domestically abused, and their role is to assess care needs. They must be trained to spot domestic abuse when they encounter it, and must duly report it to the local authorities where warranted. Furthermore, the NHS has become the first point of contact for victims of abuse as they provide treatment. Their role is to treat injuries and trauma, and to signpost/refer affected individuals to other support services. What’s more, local authority housing departments have an obligation to ensure that those residing in safe accommodation have their needs met.
Also, the Department for Work and Pensions have a duty to safeguard individuals who might be experiencing domestic abuse, and to signpost them to other support services. They also pay the benefits that individuals are entitled to. Moreover, the police are often involved in cases of domestic abuse and have to attend the crime scene. They should have an awareness of the topic, and also of the barriers to disclosure. They must report the cases to the local authorities for safeguarding in order to protect the victims involved. They must investigate, make arrests, apply injunctions where necessary, and collect the evidence for court. In other words, the police play a huge role between the crime being committed and the crime being prosecuted. Furthermore, the CPS is responsible for the prosecution of the perpetrator, and courts are responsible for the effective issuing of injunctions, as well as of sentences. Also, the Prison and probation services have a role in conducting risk assessments to ensure that the victims are safe from the perpetrators, and incapacitating the offender from doing it again. Finally, local criminal justice boards are responsible for the coordination of agencies locally, and for implementing strategies to reduce crime rates.
References
Betshy (2021) ‘Women Who Are Mad, 27 November’ [Online]. Available at https://betshy.com/2021/11/27/women-who-are-mad/ (accessed 26 February 2022).
Scott, J. (2021) ‘MPs back raising minimum marriage age to 18 to protect children’, BBC News, 19 November [Online]. Available at https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-59344731 (accessed 19 February 2022).
Summers, H. (2021) ‘Child marriage “thriving in UK” due to legal loophole, warn rights groups’, The Guardian, 4 May [Online]. Available at https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2021/may/04/child-marriage-thriving-in-uk-due-to-legal-loophole-warn-rights-groups (accessed 19 February 2022).
Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA: https://www.pexels.com/photo/lady-justice-and-a-gavel-6077123/
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The Occupational Impacts of Domestic Abuse
The perpetrator’s control, whether overt, coercive or psychological; impacts on the day to day life of the victim(s). He terrorises the vulnerable person, and the victim might be living with all sorts of restrictions such as not being allowed to go out, or only allowed to go out for specific purposes (e.g. school or work). Everything could be under the perpetrator’s control including the victim’s fashion choices, social networks, and even her diet.
The victim might be materially dependent on the abuser, or might be coerced into materially supplying for the abuser. In extreme cases, even basic activities such as using a phone or accessing the internet might be restricted. This is because the perpetrator wants to express supreme dominance over the victim. He wants to subjugate her, and the victim might be living in chronic fear of consequences. Furthermore, the victim will most possibly become isolated, manipulated, and made to live in distress, secrecy, and horror. All of this can of course take a toll on the occupational performance of the victim.
Individuals who are affected by domestic abuse can at times display behaviours that challenge their institution. They may take a study break in order to comply with the perpetrator’s capricious requests, or to heal actual bodily harm (ABH). They might also ask for time out in order to cope with their mental health, or to use substances as an escape route. Individuals might perform poorly in exams and assessments, might display demotivation and lack of ambition, and there is a disruption to long-term career plans.
Furthermore, individuals affected by domestic abuse might be prevented from getting to work as a result of physical injury or restraint, might be threatened, gaslighted, and given all home-based responsibilities to stop them from going out. If the victim manages to go to work, there might be a clear deterioration in performance or jobs might be poorly done. If a manager is not engaging in trauma-informed practice, it is more likely that they will not be able to effectively safeguard a victim when she shows symptoms. The victim might not disclose the abuse, and the manager might actually exacerbate her situation with this type of subjugation. The victim might lose her job, career, and/or prospective promotions. Finally, in extreme cases a perpetrator might stalk and/or harass the victim within the workplace, and trigger conflict between the victim and her colleagues, especially if these are unaware or unsympathetic.
Impacts on Children
Children affected by domestic abuse find it more difficult to form secure attachments, and often show deficits in language, cognitive, emotional, and social development. This may manifest in the form of poor educational achievement, behaviour that challenges, mental health problems, and interpersonal maladaptations. Those in puberty might behave in similar ways to their perpetrators, and engage in disruptive behaviours. They may experience truancy, and/or might attempt to protect their perpetrators. They might become isolated, and might be prevented from forming friendships. When a child is subjugated, they are prevented from exercising their freedom of thought, and from expressing their subjectivity. All this affects their psychological health, and can impair performance.