Covert Narcissism: Unmasking the Hidden Face of Self-Obsession

25 Feb 2024

Narcissism is a term often associated with grandiosity, arrogance, and a constant need for attention. However, there exists a subtler and lesser-known form of this personality trait called covert narcissism. Unlike its more overt counterpart, covert narcissism hides behind a facade of humility and empathy, making it challenging to identify and understand. In this blog post, we will delve into the world of covert narcissism, uncover its characteristics, and shed light on the potential impact it can have on relationships and individuals’ lives.

Understanding Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism is a pattern of behaviour characterised by an exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement, combined with a fragile self-esteem that cannot handle criticism or rejection. Unlike the classic depiction of narcissists, covert narcissists don’t flaunt their accomplishments or seek constant admiration. Instead, they manipulate situations and people to fulfil their underlying need for validation, control, and attention, stealthily crafting an image of selflessness and humility while manipulating others for personal gain.

Traits and Behaviours

One of the key distinguishing features of covert narcissism is the ability to camouflage their true selves behind a mask of empathy and altruism. These individuals often appear to be kind-hearted, self-effacing, and excessively accommodating. They master the art of playing the victim, using their perceived innocence to manipulate others into fulfilling their desires or needs.

Covert narcissists are skilled at using guilt as a weapon. They project their feelings of inadequacy onto others and evoke pity or sympathy, manipulating those around them to cater to their emotional needs. By playing the martyr or feigning incompetence, they ensure they remain at the centre of attention while avoiding personal accountability.

Another weapon in the covert narcissist’s arsenal is emotional manipulation. They possess an uncanny ability to read people, identify their weaknesses, and exploit them to their advantage, often utilising subtle tactics such as gaslighting or subtly undermining their victims’ self-esteem. They can make others question their own perceptions, leading to confusion and self-doubt.

Impact on Relationships and Individuals

In relationships, covert narcissism wreaks havoc, eroding trust and emotional well-being over time. Victims of covert narcissists often find themselves trapped in toxic relationships, oblivious to the insidious nature of the manipulation. The constant covert tactics employed by the narcissist slowly chip away at their self-esteem, leaving them feeling inadequate, unimportant, and used.

Despite their lack of overt grandiosity, covert narcissists are still highly self-centred and lack genuine empathy. The emotional detachment and lack of authentic connection make it challenging for them to build healthy, meaningful relationships based on equality and mutual respect.

Recognising Covert Narcissism and Seeking Recovery

Identifying covert narcissism is not easy, as the traits often remain hidden until one is entangled in the web of their manipulation. However, there are some red flags that can help individuals recognise potential covert narcissists: a perpetual need for validation, a tendency to play the victim, constant gaslighting or undermining, and an inability to take responsibility for their actions.

Survivors of covert narcissistic relationships often require support and healing. Seeking therapy or counselling can help individuals rebuild their self-esteem, regain a sense of identity, and learn healthy relationship patterns. Additionally, learning about healthy boundaries, assertiveness, and self-care is crucial for overcoming the effects of covert narcissism and preventing future victimisation.