All the time, permanently… I live in an unstable emotional state. This is exhausting. I experience a lot on a daily basis. I feel constantly fatigued and tired too. While there is no known cure for this tribulation, it is possible to manage the symptoms and improve overall well-being.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD) is a chronic mental illness characterised by instability in emotions, relationships, and self-image. People with BPD often experience intense and fluctuating emotions, have difficulty regulating their emotions, and struggle with impulsive behaviours. It is important to note that BPD is a complex disorder and can manifest differently in each individual. For more in-depth definitions and descriptions, please read my academic article “Women Who Are Mad”.
My emotions are always incredibly intense. The roller coaster is very real in my routine; with only some elements present with great stability such as my lack of care towards myself and my constant confusion in regards to who I am. Furthermore, I experience feelings of depression almost every day, and continually feel stuck in a self-neglecting dynamic. Clinically, I am unwell; and knowing that there isn’t a magic cure for how I feel demotivates me. I want to feel better. As a matter of fact, I want to be normal.
Yet, every day reminds me of my abnormality. Some might perceive my personality as ‘eccentric’; nevertheless, I see it as simply dysfunctional. My every day is heavy and sometimes foggy. I never know who I am, my identity confuses me. I still hope that one day I will be okay, and that I won’t suffer as much as I currently do.
Being diagnosed with BPD was something I did not process to begin with until many years later. The longer it gets, the more I comprehend my disorder. And the more frustrated I feel at not being able to feel better immediately, or later. Simply, it is like living with a chronic pain condition. You can only learn to live with it, cope with it, and ease the symptoms if you are lucky.
Recovery from BPD is a gradual process, and it requires patience, perseverance, and commitment. With the right treatment and support, many individuals with BPD are able to lead fulfilling lives and experience a reduction in symptoms. It’s essential to remember that seeking help is a crucial step towards managing BPD and improving overall mental health. I hope that by taking these steps, I can live normally one day.
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