Micro Relapse: Reaching Conclusions

Here I sit. I am currently having a mental health crisis. But it is temporary. Literally, I approximate a period of six hours until I recalibrate myself. I think of son, my dear prince. I have plans some time this year to gift him my current iMac. I would like him to have a desktop Mac product. Then he could customise the non-Mac computer I am giving now for his little half-brother, whom my son loves so much. I wish I was not this reckless with my mental health. I don't want to destroy all the progress I've made so far. But due to struggling with life, I had a micro relapse.... Exclusive Content 💎 (i.e. I smoked one joint of Cannabis I found) in Marijuana, as we call it in Spanish. I am in the mind-zone that smoking that was a mistake, and I should not have done it as it clearly made me experience some symptoms due to its psychedelic effect. I love it, I am not going to lie, but I wish that all it did was give me euphoria and help me remain calm. But it does much more than that. Random thoughts begin to enter one's mind. A lot of silly stuff is thought. Then, for those who, like me, (despite loving Weed, it makes me have delusional thoughts) paranoid ideas can surface momentarily. Yes, it balances my mood, and motivates me to do therapeutic activities that otherwise I am currently anhedonic about. But my biggest concern is that I have requested to my GP help because I explained that I was not coping despite trying my best. Also mentioned it to my mental health team, that I was very tempted. Obviously, this was a last resort, and I believe in my capacity to make it a one-off incident. In all honesty, I think weed is made for doing things, not for thinking. I find that accomplishing a task is easier whilst stoned, and can concentrate enough not to get lost in any delusional action potential triggered by the substance in my brain. My list of tasks is magnanimous. I learned that tasks need to be broken into smaller tasks, and this allowed me to have a collection of small little tasks that need getting done. The above app (Habitica) helps me get things done, and I use it from different devices. The conclusion post-temporary delusion is that my confusion was a fusion of the side effects of Cannabis. It felt that I would be better off without it, as whilst it boost spontaineity and creativity, it enhances concentrarion and perception; the truth is that it is my conception that I have more ground, and I am in more control of myself when I am not stoned. Smoking this spliff was possibly a silly action, and I need to let it go; wake up tomorrow to a better world. And try to find a dopamine-boosting activity in order to combat the withdrawal symptoms it immediately has on the person. I need to forgive myself for resorting to this to cope with overwhelm. For some odd reason, Cannabis makes me hyperactive, and I end up sleeping late. Under the same token, coffee makes me sleepy. I wish it made sense, but it is just how ADHD works in my head. For now, I gotta admit. Weed seems to make me productive; that's the positive side. The question is: at what expense? Subscribe to get access Log in